Monday, April 15, 2013

5 Ridiculous Gaming Couples That Could Totally Work

Gaming fanfiction and fan art has taken the world of romance to new heights (and more often, new lows) with its often mind boggling pairings of characters. But I say that these authors and artists haven't gone far enough! That's why I came up with five of the most absurd pairings I could think of that still retain a shred of believability and threw together fan art and fanfictions for them.

Ezlo (The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap) x Pyro (Team Fortress 2)
Sources: 1, 2
The Fanfiction:
"'Mmmph! Mmph-mmph-mmmmph,' Pyro confided to Ezlo with some obvious concern.
'Please, you don't need to worry about that. Ever since I first sat on your head, I knew no one else's head would do,' Ezlo did his best to reassure Pyro. 'And I know you'd never trade me away to some pub server noob either, even for an unusual.'
'Mmph,' Pyro agreed.
Ezlo kneaded Pyro's head gently with his brim.
'Don't worry. From now on, we're in this together!'"
-from "Unboxing a Soulmate" by DropHatsNotBombs

Why it could work:
If you aren't familiar with Team Fortress 2, the most valuable and coveted items are function-less hats which you can wear to make yourself look fabulous. If you aren't familiar with The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap, Ezlo spends most of the game as the titular Minish Cap, the only living hat that I know of. You shouldn't need a matchmaker to see that these two are made for each other.

Red XIII (Final Fantasy VII) x Cardboard Box (Metal Gear Solid)
Sources: 1, 2
The Fanfiction:
"'Go on ahead everyone, I'll catch up,' Red XIII called ahead to the rest of his party, struggling to hide his excitement at what he thought he saw. 
He couldn't be sure, but he thought he had caught a glimpse of something interesting by a rock off the path. Something wonderful. Something exciting. Something cardboard. 
As he approached, his heart raced faster and his suspicions were confirmed. There, next to the ordinary rock, was an extraordinary cardboard box. He wanted to control himself and act maturely, but this was an opportunity that may only come a few times in a lifetime. He stole a quick glance up and down the trail to make sure his companions weren't in sight. The coast was clear. After a deep breath, Red XIII could wait no longer and leaped into the box. He sat with his head poking out and his tail wagging. It was a tight fit, but he was comfortable. It just felt right."
-from "Thirteen Shades of Red" by sonofgrumpycat

Why it could work:
Oh come on. You don't even need to ask on this one. Everyone knows that cats love boxes more than their own mothers. Red XIII may not exactly be a cat, but he looks close enough to me. Unfortunately, it's doubtful that the rest of his comrades would be able to continue to take him seriously after finding out about his relationship with a box.

The Moon (The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask) x Angry Sun (Super Mario Bros. 3)
Sources: 1, 2
The Fanfiction:
"It was the night of the third day and Moon's time was running short. She had already made up her mind to fall to her death and destroy Termina in the process. But suddenly, she heard a familiar voice booming from across the sky.
'MOON! STOP!' it cried.
Moon's eyes drifted wearily to see Angry Sun's bright flame dancing on the horizon. 
'NO! I'M TOO ANGRY! I HAVE TO DIE!' Moon bellowed back.
'BUT MOON, I'M ANGRY TOO!!' pleaded Angry Sun with a tear forming in his eye and then instantly evaporating.
Moon considered this information silently for several seconds. At last, she called back, 'LET'S MARRIAGE!' and flew off to embrace Angry Sun."
-from "Sky's the Limit" by Miyamotool92

Why it could work:
How many other characters are there based on celestial bodies? I guess there's the sun and moon bosses from Kirby's Adventure, but besides them, there aren't many. Both the Angry Sun and the moon from Majora's Mask are clearly in need of companionship. It might not stop them from being angry, but at least they can be angry together and stop taking it out on the good guys.

Princess Angelica (Battletoads) x Slippy Toad (Star Fox)
Sources: 1, 2
The Fanfiction:
"'Thank you so much for saving me! May I ask your name?' Princess Angelica inquired, motioning for her savior to rise.
'Slippy here. I'm ok.'
'Slippy,' she repeated the name to herself, pondering how it at least sounded nicer than the names 'Pimple' and 'Zitz'. 'Is there any way I can possibly repay you?'
Slippy tilted his head and considered it for a few seconds and then cheerfully replied, 'Your carcass is mine!'
Angelica was understandably startled. 'I'm sorry... What?' 
She noticed an unnerving gleam in Slippy's eye that caused her to take a step back. As she did, Slippy moved closer and then dashed at her all at once. Princess Angelica let out a shriek and ran for the door.
'Escaping? I don't think so! You're not getting away that easy!' Slippy called after her, continuing his pursuit at a steady, but unhurried pace.
'Noooo!!' Angelica's cry rang out through the ship's corridors, but there was no one left on board to hear her. She found herself cornered and watched in horror as Slippy's large shining eyes became visible in the darkness followed by his puckered lips which were soon planted on hers. After a moment, Slippy backed away.
'I got one!' he exclaimed, apparently satisfied.
'Wh-what... All you wanted was a kiss? Ok... well... why don't we just get going back my home planet now, alright?'"
-from "Battlefrog Prince" by I_toad_u_so

Why it could work:
In spite of his name, Slippy Toad is, in fact, a frog. But that isn't too different from a toad, and it just so happens that Princess Angelica has plenty of experience with being rescued by toads in space. Slippy might not have the muscles that the Battletoads have, but in general I'd say that a frog is an upgrade over a toad. Of course, this hypothetical relationship would have to be before Slippy gets together with his sweetheart, Amanda, before the events of Star Fox Command. Slippy is many things, but disloyal isn't one of them.

Bomberman x Creeper (Minecraft)
Sources: 1, 2, 3
The Fanfiction:
"Chris the creeper was sad. His friends told him that it was their curse to never be able to get close to anyone, but Chris refused to accept that. Sure, all the creepers he knew that tried to approach a human either exploded or were killed by the human, but Chris was sure that if he was just a bit more cautious and friendly, things could work out for him. 
Today, his dream was going to come true. He knew this was his chance because unlike the usual people he saw, this person was not reshaping the world with his hands or pickaxe, but with bombs. As a creeper, prone to spontaneous explosion himself, Chris could relate to bombs. He hissed with anticipation and approached the man clad in white as slowly and peacefully as possible. 
The man noticed him and stopped what he was doing. He reached out his ball shaped hand, beckoning Chris to him. Chris was elated and very cautiously touched the man's hand with his head. To his relief, he did not explode, and the mysterious man began to pet Chris's head. It was the beginning of a fantastic relationship."
-from "The Creeper's Dilemma" by HereComesTheBoom

Why it could work:
Creepers suffer from an unfortunate epidemic of spontaneous detonation which is typically brought on by proximity to humans. I figure that it's not really their fault and that all they really want is some love. If ordinary humans make them explode, who would be better than Bomberman to tame these volatile beasts? Bomberman works with explosives all the time and knows how to handle them, so chances are good that he'd be able to make contact with a creeper without making it explode. Rather than a romantic relationship, I imagine that creepers would be more like a pet to Bomberman and follow him around like an army of loyal bomb puppies.

[Note: All included fanfictions do not actually exist and were written by me for the sake of this article. I know you'll want to read more of them, but you'll just have to finish writing them yourself.]

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