Monday, October 14, 2013

7 Bible-Based Games That Would Be Totally Righteous

Bible-based games are nothing new. Unfortunately, in spite of their truly epic source material, every Bible game that I know of has been more akin to holy crap than the divinely inspired game from God that it should be. With that in mind, I came up with some pitches for Bible-based games that I think would be totally righteous.

David: Slayer of 10s of Thousands
(By nickhuddlestonartist)
David, along with Samson, is one of the most obvious choices for a Bible-based game because it's easy to make games based on battles and violence. Everyone knows that David killed the giant Goliath with a sling and stone, but what makes his early years such a good candidate for a game is that he continued on with being a warrior in many battles to come. This might be just another generic action game with swords and whatnot, but it would be one of the first to depict battles from this time period. It's not like it'd just be mindless action either; there's still the twist that the king you're fighting under (besides God, of course) gets jealous of your huge success and starts to come after you as well. 

God Simulator 2014

(Spore creature creation from source)
The Old Testament wasn't just a bunch of fighting, it's also got Creation, and what's more beautiful than that? Once again, this idea isn't anything super groundbreaking. There have already been games like Spore and From Dust which allow you to create, destroy, and protect, but of course God Simulator 2014 would bring the genre back with a biblical perspective. It would have your usual bit of world creation and creature design, but in this case, 95% of your sentient creations will hate you 97% of the time. It'll be up to you to decide whether to wipe them out for their disobedience in some spectacular way or whether to try to work with what you've got and turn them back to the path of righteousness.

Paul's Résumé Builder

"as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger..." - (Paul) 2 Corinthians 6:4-5

It's not like Paul wants to brag, as he repeatedly reassures the Corinthian church, it's just that all the false teachers leave him no choice. Instead of the usual résumé, Paul certifies himself by showing off all the hardships he's been through while sharing the gospel - stuff that's so crazy, only God could've helped him through it. Well, for this game, you'll be playing as Paul as he makes his grand missionary tours around the Roman Empire. And you better believe that there's going to be hardships. Jews will throw you out of town and stone you, 50% of your boating excursions will end in shipwreck, you'll be arrested, and you'll thank God for every minute of it. For every disaster you avoid, you'll get an achievement that you can show off on your profile. It's kind of like a game of chicken where you have to preach as much about Jesus as you can without getting killed.

Israel RTS

(Empire Earth II via GamingBolt)
After Moses got the Egyptian Pharaoh to let his people go, they followed God's guidance through the desert and, eventually, to the land they were going to conquer and settle in. Even though they were relatively small in number compared to some of the armies they were going up against, they still managed to win because God was on their side. ...well, that is, as long as they were on God's side. Their success kinda depended on their faith, which wasn't always strong enough to last more than a few minutes. That's why in this game, you won't just be commanding your Israelite troops around like in any old RTS, you'll also have to strengthen their faith to ensure success and keep them well fed on manna and quail.

Trial by Zombies

"Moses said to Aaron, "Take your censer and put in it fire from the altar, and lay incense on it; then bring it quickly to the congregation and make atonement for them, for wrath has gone forth from the LORD, the plague has begun!"" - Numbers 16:26

Speaking of Israel wandering around in the desert and losing faith, there was that one time when they were thinking about overthrowing their leaders, Moses and Aaron, and God got freaking pissed and was all, "I just picked those guys, now I'mma kill you." This killing was in the form of a fast-spreading plague. Now, the Bible doesn't go into detail about what kind of plague this was, but I'm just gonna have to assume it was a zombie virus. So anyway, after much pleading, Aaron and Moses get God to meet them half way with the condition that Aaron must atone for the sins of the people by running out into the crowd with a censer (that's some dangly incense thing) to stop the plague. Once again, I'm going to use some artistic license here and suggest that "atoning" looked something like "beating zombies over the head with a flail-like censer". I don't think that's too much of a stretch really, and it'd definitely be an interesting game.

Biblical Allegory RPG

Here's a game I'd really like to play. Even if you aren't a Christian, you've gotta admit that the overarching story of the Bible would make a really good fantasy RPG storyline. The way I'm thinking of this though, it wouldn't be so obvious that the game was an adaptation of the Bible until you got pretty far in. I don't exactly know how it'd all work, but I think it'd be a pretty cool twist to find out that the guy you kill was actually the allegorical equivalent of God who was trying to help you all along. Imagine the shock when you realize that this person could've avoided this death, but didn't in order to save humanity. In the end, it'd kind of be like you were the bad guy all along and didn't realize it until it was too late. Luckily, that Jesus guy you killed comes back somehow and forgives you anyway because he's the ultimate good guy.

Praise Band

(Rock Band via TheAuthorityInc)
I don't care what you say, I refuse to believe that rhythm games are dead, and I'm pretty sure Praise Band would be a hit among Christian gamers. If you still have your instrument-themed peripherals from Rock Band and Guitar Hero, you can use them for this game as well. Praise Band would essentially be the same kind of thing as Rock Band, but with praise and worship and other well-known Christian songs to play and sing along with. You could play and sing in a variety of virtual churches and other venues. Maybe there'd even be a mode that would allow the game to be used in lieu of those power point presentations with lyrics that many churches use for worshp. And of course, Praise Band would give you plenty of options, which means that if you want to repeat the chorus only 46 times instead of the usual 50, you totally can.

Did I miss anything obvious or less than obvious? Let me know in the comments! Also check out my pitches for games based on each of the characters from Firefly / Serenity!


  1. I always thought the book of Judges was begging to be made into a Dynasty Warriors-style beat-em-up.

  2. Great Job Ryan, How about a Just Praise (Dance Game for Christian Music)

  3. Regrettably, "Guitar Praise" already exists:

    The real question is whether Christians should just make Christian versions of things that already exist, or whether they should be making something entirely new. In the famous words of Hank Hill regarding Christian rock, "Can't you see you're not making Christianity better--you're just making rock and roll worse!"

    1. Very much agreed. Part of the reason the infamous Christian NES games were so bad is that they did a poor job of ripping off other successful games. Ideally, I would have had some more original ideas for this article, but I'd been putting off writing it for months and still hadn't thought of anything better so I finally just wrote it anyway.

    2. deandettloff, P.O.D., Skillet, Barlow Girl, and several Christian groups would love to beg to differ to your words. Also, any pseudo-Christian or pseudo-Jew that says that rock, let alone, ANY genre of music, musical beat, or musical instrument, has automatically earned a throat punch due to their lack of understanding of the Holy Scriptures, their various forms of religious ritualism, their inability to realize that it is YAHWEH EL ELOHIM that made ALL concepts of music, INCLUDING Lucifer, the fallen angel that was once the chief musician in the Kingdom of Heaven, and for them trying to put YAHWEH EL ELOHIM in a box. Such behavior from those individuals is FAR more demonic, ironically enough, than the genres of music, musical instruments, and musical beats.

  4. There IS actually a game series on the PC that does just what the last idea for Christian music. I think that they call it Praise Hero. However, for what it is worth, some Christian musicians should upload their music to Rock Band or Guitar Hero because there are some of them that are truly talented. Finally, the best type of video game to get the kiddies truly interested in the Holy Scriptures would be to make a Dynasty Warriors/Shin Sengoku Musou style video game and to simply call it Kingdom Warriors or something of that sort.


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